5 Ways You can Transfer your own Custody to a Naperville Family

By; Machine Staff

Retrato_de_familia_Fagoga_Arozqueta_-_Anónimo_ca.1730.jpg

In the wake of the news that wealthy families in the Northern suburbs are switching custody of their high school seniors to friends, so they could receive more financial aid, The Machine would like to offer its guide on how to get yourself adopted, and receive all of their wonderful privileges.

  1. Wrap yourself in a blanket and sit on their doorstep

    While it may feel strange to do this as an adult, this is how so many babies wind up with rich families, so there must be something to it! Make sure you pick the biggest house on the block. A basketball hoop in the driveway is also a great way to know somewhere is child (or childlike adult) friendly.

  2. Fake a birth certificate from Cambodia

    Naperville families are always looking for ways to stand out in their community, and “being” from 'Cambodia' could be your in. They will be the talk of the town when the neighbors learn how philanthropic and generous they are. They don't need to know Cambodia is a township in New Jersey. Plus, they likely won’t bother to learn “your” language, so you don’t have to worry about talking to them!

  3. Hack 23 and Me

    Why bank on their willingness to save you when you can convince them you were always one of them! Simply hack into the 23 and Me database, find the family you want, and throw yourself into the system as a long lost son or daughter. It happens all the time, and it’ll even make a great party story for the family!

  4. Steal a Rich Kid’s Identity

    Look, we at The Machine are reasonable people. We know that it probably isn’t feasible to hack a massive website, or create a Cambodian birth certificate. What do those even look like? So, let’s be reasonable, and commit some simple fraud! Just buy some social security numbers off the dark web, and find the right fit!

  5. Be a Chihuahua

    If there’s one thing we know about rich Naperville families, it’s that they LOVE chihuahuas. They love them so much that they have purses designed to carry them! Becoming a Chihuahua is a great way to weasel your way into a loving, wealthy family and never have to wear clothes again. Plus, the dog food they give you will probably be better for you than anything else you’ve ever eaten.

Now you have all you need to join high society. Enjoy your new life!