Bulls fan preemptively burns Coby White jersey in preparation for eventual disappointment - INTERVIEW

By: Ryan McGinnis

After the Bulls selected Coby White with the 7th pick the NBA draft, a local fan preemptively burned his jersey in preparation for eventual disappointment.

I sat down for an exclusive interview with Keith Timmons, 28, the vocal advocate of pyrotechnical protest.

Keith, let me start off by asking: have you calmed down?

A little bit. When my friend said the Bulls drafted a guy named Coby, I nearly had a brain aneurysm.

Why set the jersey on fire? Couldn’t you have just stomped on it or something?

It wouldn't have been as effective. Chicago appreciates things going up in flames. That shit makes us nostalgic.

People seem to be high on the pick. Do you have any good reasons to be so pessimistic? What’s there to worry about?

He will be good and leave.
He will be good and get hurt.
He will suck and won’t leave.
He will be just good enough to get a large contract, then suck and drag the team down.
He will be good enough so that GarPax don’t get fired, then suck and somehow they still don’t get fired.
He’s not Zion.
He’s still not MJ.
He’s actually Carlos Boozer.
He will suck for us and be great for someone else.
He will be amazing and then choke in the playoffs.
He will be great but commit some horrible crime that forces us to hate him.
He will have the knees of an arthritic D-Day veteran.

Oh, that’s a good list.

But do you know what I worry about the most?

Liver failure?

Besides that. I worry that he will just be irrepressibly average. That we are just treading water. Forever mired in mediocrity. Our city never again tasting even a hint of hoops relevance. That is what I worry about.

Keith, even being near this small dose of pessimism makes me feel utterly depressed. What keeps you going?

Prozac and Space Jam.

The Machine thanks Keith for his cooperation with the interview. As a thank you, we offered him tickets to opening night. He then burned those too.