Chicago Symphony Orchestra to Break Up Due to "Creative Differences"

Photo by the magnificent Alex Peters

Photo by the magnificent Alex Peters

By: Andrew Mason

CHICAGO - After 128 years and thousands of performances, The Chicago Symphony Orchestra has announced they will disband due to ongoing “creative differences” amongst members.

“It’s like herding cats,” said Musical Director, Riccardo Muti. “I have spent my entire life working to get here. Countless hours of practicing, studying, and honing my skills and it turns out these musicians just a bunch of children over forty. The strings don’t get along with the woodwinds, our lead oboe has become addicted to JUUL and can’t make it halfway through a movement without taking a puff, the french horns are dating and can’t keep their hands off each other, our harpist refuses to put down her Japanese cartoon books,” he continued as his frustration turned to boiling rage..

The professional lifelong musicians at the pinnacle of their craft were just as frustrated at Muti as he was with them. "I'm fucking done with this shit," said Martin Romero, a viola prodigy. "Mr. Muti was always a hard-ass, it's like those woodwinds just do whatever he says! Myself and the string folks are outta here, there's no way we can work with these assholes."

This isn't the first time the Chicago Symphony Orchestra feared complete collapse in its 128 year history. In one case, a rogue trumpet player played the theme to “Pirates of the Carribean” throughout the entirety of the performance, which cost the organization millions of dollars in lost ticket sales for future events.

However, this situation appeared even more dire.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Mr. Muti is literally being so annoying. He’s so worried about every tiny little thing. ‘That’s supposed to be an F sharp! It’s in the key of G!’ Well, what if I want to play an F sharp there? I'm a creative person! What does he know? said Jessica Harris, from percussion.

At press time, the entire woodwind section had unfollowed the entire strings section on Instagram.