Your Horniscope for Today


Let Madame Mustardini reveal to you the things you've always known to be true; each star sign has a favorite type of porn!

Aries - How long has it been since you've done something for yourself, Aries? Forget Aquarius, this is the dawning of the age of YOU! And you are about to find out just how plentiful the musical porn parody section of PornHub is. Do NOT watch the Cats one, but the rest are great, particularly 'How to Suck Seed in Business Without Really Trying' the choreography is orgasmic.

Pisces - The moral high ground is your natural habitat, Pisces. All walks of life, kinks of pleasure, and freaks of nature are welcome to your computer screen. Don't forget to take some time from your usual regimen of making sure you watch diverse and adventurous porn to focus on you and your greatest passion, vanilla, missionary position sex. When your life is full of complexity, the simple things will keep you grounded.

Aquarius - You and I both know, Aquarius, that those porn producers are going about it all wrong. The camera angles, the dialogue, the casting!! You know what I mean. Show them how its really done and make some of your own porn! Once you find a willing participant you're set. With your confidence and drive it's guaranteed to be your personal Citizen Kane. See you at the Oscars!

Taurus - Taurus, your tastes are uniquely you. A master of responsibility, most adult films leave you questioning the reality of a person needing to care for a household AND have 4 orgies a week. Seek out reality porn. Everyday situations turned sexy will give you the comfort of knowing that somebody is getting some AND the laundry is getting done.

Sagittarius - It seems counterintuitive. It doesn't seem like "my thing." Chase down these discomforts dear Sagittarius. That video of a man slowly masturbating in a dimly lit room isn't going to watch itself, and you're never going to realize you have a thing for super lonely men without it. Find the direction of your heart...and run the opposite!

Leo - Courage, passion, loyalty. Three things that make a great Leo...and a great porno. I'll bet you remember watching your very first porn and thinking, "Boy I wonder what the future holds for this." Great News Leo, the future is here! Virtual Reality porn is your best friend. Put yourself in the shoes of any pornstar and live out your wildest fantasies. You can be royalty, you can be a god, you can be freaking it with aliens in deep space with no fear of nasty space viruses. Don't hold yourself back Leo, you know you're worth the $1000 pricetag on the new PornHub VR set and multi-sense joyfeel hookups.

Cancer - You are cautious with your emotions, Cancer. You don't want your heart broken, and, don't want to break anyone's heart. Are you destined to live your life alone, getting so close that you can feel love's warmth on your face only to have it turn away as quickly as you can find it? NO! There is a porn for everyone and yours is Max-Consent Porn. Included with each video is a disclaimer including safe words that may be used and lengthy paperwork filled out by all participants. You can be legally assured, Cancer, that nobody has been emotionally harmed in the making of this porn.

Scorpio - You're...unique to say the least Scorpio. We've all heard of it, that section of the internet that is behind the locked door in the backroom that was behind a door made of hanging beads in the adult video store. That's your Shangri La. The room of misfit porn. We don't get it, it's not for us. It's for you. What's so sexy about a plate of spaghetti sitting on a rotating platform for 1 hour straight? How can you possibly be aroused by someone stepping on a rubber duck over and over again? We do not want the answers to these riddles, but I'm sure you already know them. Have 'fun', or whatever you call it.

Virgo - It's not pleasant to break it to you like this, Virgo, but in a world where nearly every type of porn is accessible and free, you'll need to purchase yours. What you're after is the often overlooked bloopers and commentary included on most porno's special release DVD. You've seen movies like Taken, you know that not ALL these actors and actresses are doing this of their own free will. Being able to hear them laugh and joke about that time one of them farted and they had to reshoot the whole scene will ease your worried mind and reassure you that these are simply two perfectly normal consenting adults covered in each other's bodily fluids.

Capricorn - Ambitious, Stoic, Capricorns can appreciate the tough fight it takes to accomplish something. It takes drive, motivation, and strength, coincidentally the three qualities it takes to watch the 24 hour porn marathon coming to a smart phone screen near you. Watch as 5 of your favorite porn stars work together to try and beat the world record for most position changes during a 24 hour orgy. Set aside your Saturday, Capricorn.

Libra, you will feel your life filled with light as you take in the beautiful scenery around these two intertwined heaps in the midst of this picturesque forrest scene. The deft switch from missionary directly to using a tree as a support for an inverted doggy invigorates the mind and reminds you that anything is possible with some ingenuity and enough lube.

Gemini - Today, Gemini, seek out the comforting slaps of skin on skin on skin action with a tasteful threesome scene. Your day ahead may be difficult but find serenity and closure in your mind as all three participants climax in unison and collapse in a satisfied pile of post coital relaxation.

LifestyleMitchell Trachtenberg