10 Thangs You Were Purdy Damn Sure Your New iTelephone Can't Do


By: Andrew Mason

Nowadays, we use our phones for just about e’rything. From ordering some grub to lookin’ fer love, seems like there ain’t nothin’ that they can’t do, huh? Well, not exactly… We gave the new iTelephone a go and determined what it still can’t do. Y’know, justa be sure.

  1. Heat up a can of beans - We all ‘sperienced it. You go to grab your telephone off the charger and ya realize its a bit warm to the touch. Unfortunately, s’not hot enough to get those beans of yours steamin’

  2. Keep snakes out of your boots - Only a fool puts on his boots without checkin’ for snakes first.

  3. Milk ol’ Betsy - Ol’ Betsy aint gonna milk ‘rself and neith’r is that silly little contraption o’yers. Now git to it!

  4. Go a-courtin' - The gals you meet with that cellar d’vice are fine and dandy I’m sure but if yer lookin fer a girl as fine as a Tuscon sunrise well you gotta put in the werk, boy!

  5. Pick up a few things for Ma down at the general store - yer brothers sick so I need you to step up an get a wiggle on. And don’t forget the snake oil!

  6. Bury yer brother that died’a dysentary - God rest’is soul

  7. Trade a hog fer a coupla corn beans - Not even Slippery Jack can swing that deal

  8. Help Pa get rid of them dadgum varmints russelin’ ‘round out by the shed - Dammit boy! Just kill the damn things, they’re eatin’ all our corn beans!

  9. Put down the best dog y’ever had ‘fore the rabies kicks in - He’s gonna suffer if ya don’t do it soon. If you love him, you’ll paint the shed with his brain .

  10. Catch some nightcrawlers ‘fore goin’ fishin’ in the M’ssippi t’morra - Unless yer plannin’ on usin’ yer pecker as bait, I s’gest you get a’diggin’!