Stoned JB Pritzker Gets Munchies, Impulse Buys Jewel-Osco
By: Mitchell Trachtenberg and Hirsch Ptyc
CHICAGO, IL - The Chicagoland area was rocked yesterday by news that JB Pritzker, the billionaire governor of Illinois, developed the munchies while high and impulse bought the entire company of Jewel-Osco and it’s subsidiaries.
“I just got really high, you know, and I went down to the nearest Jewel because I really needed a snack or something,” said Governor Pritzker, “But then I couldn’t decide what I wanted so I’m just like, yo, I guess I’ll just buy a supermarket chain now.”
Democrats in Illinois lauded Governor Pritzker for his initiative, releasing a statement praising for Pritzker’s enthusiasm to invest in Chicago’s businesses when he is totally out-of-his-mind stoned. Members of the House Republican caucus like Ryan Spain, R-Peoria, issued a warning that Governor Pritzker’s cannabis-fueled spending sprees could put the state at risk.
“I’m a good Christian and conservative,” said Spain. “When my meth shakes are too much to handle, I grab my bible, grab my AR-15, and hole myself up in the nearest shooting range until the spiders stop burrowing underneath my skin. And that doesn’t cost taxpayers a dime!”
At press time, the Governor was seen in the Thompson Center swimming naked through a pool of cool ranch Doritos.