Chicagoan Consumrs Malört in Tampa, Becomes Florida Man
By: Erik Harkness
TAMPA, FL - Last Thursday, Chicago resident Ditka Robins consumed malort on a vacation to Tampa, and transformed into Florida Man. Ditka was charged for public masturbation in a Taco Bell drive-through after drunkenly driving a golf cart over an alligator. Police are also investigating a claim that Dikta set fire to several palm trees after someone asked him to stop masturbating at the Taco Bell.
He was visiting college friends for a relaxing beach weekend, and wanted to bring a Chicago tradition with him. “We were excited to see each other, and Ditka said we should do shots to celebrate,” reported a friend on the trip, “We saw him open a bottle of Jeppson’s Malört. I don’t drink anymore, but I would not have consumed that, because there was something weird about the Malört. It’s like the bottle almost...glowed. That’s really the moment when Ditka changed.”
Witnesses claim to have seen Dikta go “almost feral” after drinking half the bottle. Within minutes he disappeared. After searching for 24 hours, the friends received a call from Ditka, who was in the West Palm Beach jail. When they picked him up, they saw he had a new Florida Gator tattoo, a mullet, and no recollection of the past day.
Jeppson’s Malört did release cryptic statement about the incident, “This is why we do not sell Malört in Florida; the power of our bitter spirit is too great. Our hearts go out to all affected by this incident.” Malört says they will add a warning label saying to not consume this in Florida. The investigation will continue, but police say there is no way to tell the true damage the Malört powered Chicagoan caused to the state of Florida. A court date is set for September 29th.