“I don’t know what the hell i was thinking,” the city of over 3 million residents said Monday morning, with a head still throbbing from the party days earlier. “Our COVID curve is just a vertical line now.”
Read MoreCardinals Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury was also disappointed in his team’s performance, stating, “I know we won, but we only beat them by 11. I’m not gonna crown our asses.”
Read More"We are willing to spend all of our draft picks to build a roster that lets Watson know we're Super Bowl or bust."
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“We understand that people are anxious to receive their vaccine, and many lives are at stake. We promise the campaign will continue once we superglue the needle back together.”
Read More“What these officers did was reckless and irresponsible. I vow to make sure they are off the streets as long as the public can remember who they are, or at least until attention shifts to a different topic, like another botched raid.”
Read More“We here in Chicago are taking the rise in cases around Illinois very seriously, and want to do everything we can to protect our residents,” said Mayor Lightfoot. She continued, “That is why every Chicagoan who sets foot in Illinois for more than 24 hours, will have to quarantine themselves for 14 days upon their return.”
Read More“In this climate, it just doesn’t make sense for us to continue honoring such a violent creature. Who knows how many innocent Edmontosauruses, Anatosaureses, and Triceratops, could have lost their lives at Sue’s diminutive hands?”
Read More“Lost all these games due to covid, but to be honest, we had a lot of fireworks left over from the 2019 season,” said Guaranteed Rate Field maintenance worker, Carl Fisker. “Really thought Yolmer Sanchez would have a better year.”
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“As cases piled up around the world this winter, I knew it was my responsibility to make sure we were so far out of playoff contention, that any dangerous plans to return to a potentially interrupted season would not include us.”
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“Crowds will be discouraged from gathering around, but it will be broadcast on the Marquee Network, if you can find it.”
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“This is nonsense! You’re not asking the figures in A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte to evacuate, and they’re practically on top of each other!
Read More"We did our best to prepare the UC for the Bulls to return, but it took longer than expected to pick up all of the hot dogs that somebody shot out of a t-shirt cannon.”
Read More“It was a shame, I was hoping I would be able to see the Warhol exhibit before they contained me.”
Read More“Lincoln Park Towing would be using their entire fleet of trucks, and extensive access to parking lots on the outskirts of the city to safely store cars until the owners need them back.“
Read More“This is a team with a fanbase who knows the bare minimum that they want out of a QB, and I promise to help Trubisky barely meet those expectations.”
Read More“Now my coworkers are pissed at me, my manager takes me aside literally once a week, and 4 million strangers are threatening to kill me on Twitter.”
Read More"Rahm was always the cooler mayor, he would let me sleep in my car whenever I wanted," yelled the ex-high ranking official in the Chicago Police Department.
Read MoreAt press time, drivers all over the city announced they will continue to ignore "NO PARKING" signs for the forseeable future.
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“What we have here is a lightly used coach full of potential, and this Black Friday he will be on sale at participating Dick’s Sporting Goods for just $19.99,” said Reinsdorf in a TV ad aired on Comcast Sports Net.
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