HVAC Malfunction Fills Trump Tower with Piping Hot Air
By: Dylan Siegfried
CHICAGO, IL---Following a severe mechanical failure in the Trump Tower HVAC unit, the entire skyscraper is filled to its top floor with hot air.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. The main unit sprung a leak, and there was this uncontrollable rush of hot, nasty-smelling air. The building was toasted in minutes.” said maintenance worker Roger Paulson. “The heat made it feel like a nuke went off in there."
Since the failure, chocolates left on pillows have become brown sticky puddles, ice blocks carved in Trump's likeness have melted into Mitch McConnell's likeness, and other necessary functions are breaking down each day.
“This is horrible. We spent all this money to live in a place with a sauna in the bedroom and now it’s useless!” said Gary Clark, a resident of the mega-hotel. “And for the record, gold toilet pipes do not respond well to heat.”
Yesterday, residents took legal action against building management in response to the disgusting, hot mess caused by the HVAC malfunction. However, the leasing agreement clearly states, “He who smelt it, is liable for all repair costs.” Once again, it shows the Art of the Deal's main advice is to not let anyone read their contract.
Reports say the building won't be cleared for occupancy until 2020, although many residents are hoping the day comes sooner. Until then, residents will be forced to deal with Trump Tower’s hot air, lies, and shit.