Water Tower Still Struggling After Watching His Brothers Burn in Great Chicago Fire

By: Ryan McGinnis

CHICAGO, IL - Nearly 150 years after the Great Chicago Fire, the famous Water Tower on Michigan Avenue is still struggling after seeing all of his brothers burn.

"I've seen a lot of passers-by over the last 150 years, but beneath my limestone facade lingers the unforgettable stench of charcoal, seared into my memory as the city burnt to a crisp in 1871.

Noticeably somber, the Water Tower reflected on the naivety of his youth and the fleeting nature of life. “I used to tease my friends, ‘Ha, you weak ass timber boys! I’m solid as a rock.’ But I never knew this would happen. I loved them.”

His son, The Water Tower Place, supported his dad through his struggle. “I don’t care if it was Mrs. O’Leary’s cow or Satan himself: my dad lost his wooden friends and family that day. It takes time to recover.”

Other architectural celebrities, emphasizing structural solidarity, wished Water Tower well. “He is an icon in this city and he deserves to know that we support him,” said the Marina City twins, as a car screeched off the edge of their parking garage and plunged into the river. Not to be outdone, the museums sent an Edible Arrangement, designed by the Art Institute.

However, not every building in Chicago was sympathetic. The darlings of the city, the John Hancock Center and Sears Tower, found vaping behind city hall, belittled his suffering. “He’s still whining about that shit? We have to worry about gravity, terrorism, and unpopular name changes. All he is to this town is a nuisance to walk around!”

Unsolicited, the TRUMP Tower phoned your reporter and denounced the immense pain caused by the bovine of a “probably illegal Paddy.” He called for a wall to be built around the Water Tower “for his own protection.”

At press time, all the popular buildings were last seen at Wrigley Field, getting wasted and forgetting the loser Water Tower even existed.