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ABOUT

 

 Hello there, We are the Chicago Machine, the proud owners of this great city. From the top of the Sears Tower spires, to the mold growing on the bottom of the pedway, you name it, we own it. We own you, we own your house, and we especially own the Burger King on 40th and Pulaski. You know that weirdly shaped building right on LaSalle and Wells, I think it’s called the Thompson Center?

Yeah, we own that too. So why not receive your news from those who know this city better than anybody? Soon, you’ll realize that this paper is the only news source you truly need, and we hope you enjoy it.

Sincerely,
Editors Dick Weekly and BJ Pissker



****ALL NAMES USED IN A SATIRICAL CONTEXT ARE FICTIONAL, UNLESS THE INDIVIDUAL REPRESENTED IS FAMOUS OR OTHERWISE NOTEWORTHY. EXCEPT FOR ALDERMAN BURKE. EVERYTHING WE SAY ABOUT ALDERMAN BURKE IS COMPLETELY TRUE PROBABLY.