“This chapter has worked diligently to spread our message to the people that a vote for Johnson is a vote for chaos. And I’ll be damned if I look like a liar. All we need is the green light from the rest of the board and then it’s go time, baby.”

Citing their rich history of humane slaughterhouses, Tyson wishes to extend that same courtesy to their employees.

“Your cherished remembrances, days in the sunshine, and the North Side’s warm sense of community, all are valuable assets in today’s league.”

“The White Sox organization made up 'Tim Anderson' in 2015," said Hahn. "It was a very dark time for the fanbase and we weren't playing great baseball. We just wanted to give fans something to cheer for. We never expected it to go this far."

“The hats only work if you wear them properly. A lot of people don’t get this. Somehow, they think a tinfoil visor will protect them. No! It needs to cover your whole head. That’s the only way they’ll keep Alexandria (Ocasio Cortez) from manipulating your thoughts.”

"It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and an abortion.”

1. Eighth Grade Crush, age 14, Depression

Overall, we would recommend the kit if you literally have money to burn. Like, if you’re already burning your money, this would potentially be a better use of it. From all of us at the Machine, have a great new year!

Wilson, a 4th generation asshole ever since his Great-Great Grandfather pushed a pregnant woman out of the way to get a better spot in line at Ellis Island, has found it harder and harder to find legitimate reasons to be a verbally abusive butthole to people.