“The Planetarium will take all arguments that can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we live on a circular yet flat-as-a-pancake earth, and we are the human syrup just waiting to brim over the sides. “
Stylishly rolling into town today in his diamond encrusted tour bus, Chance the Rapper is ready to light up the City with his beats, his bars, and an outspoken pronouncement that he is in fact married now.
“The strings don’t get along with the woodwinds, our lead oboe has become addicted to JUUL and can’t make it halfway through a movement without taking a puff, the french horns are dating and can’t keep their hands off each other, our harpist refuses to put down her Japanese cartoon books,”
It is our mission, as Chicagoans, to let these poor, inebriated young ones into our homes, to provide them with shelter, munchies, and ibuprofen. While they may differ in race, age, or blood alcohol content, they are still human beings, and worthy of our care.
“For the many many years of gender inequality, men will now be lactating ghost pepper hot sauce, rather than the originally planned ranch dressing, for at least 1 week every month, and just in time for BBQ season.”
"Every day of my life, people would ask me, 'Bob, what the hell is an alligator person like yourself doing in Chicago? Shouldn't you be down in Florida with your brother, Crocodile Bob, where all of the alligators and crocodiles are?"
The Chicago culinary marvel, Alinea, became known for something other than inventive menus and long wait lists last week after it came to light that they've been time-traveling to the future, and stealing McDonald's menus from the year 2073.