10 Things You Can Finally Lick Again Once You're Vaccinated!
By Dylan Siegfried
CHICAGO, IL - We have heard your pleas for knowledge, fair reader! Since news of the vaccine first broke, we have been overwhelmed with messages, emails, carrier pigeons and smoke signals all asking one question, "Once I’m vaccinated, what can I lick?!?!" You've spent a whole year resisting your urges to taste the rainbow, the city streets, and our elected government officials...but now the world is your popsicle! Here are ten things you can lick once you get your second dose:
The Bean
A long standing Chicago tradition, licking the Bean is a way to ensure good fortune, luck, and prosperity. Nobody has licked the Bean since the start of quarantine, which may explain the shitty year we've been having. After your second shot, head on down to the Bean and get your saliva all over it. It may be the only way to prevent something like this from happening again.Your Dirty Li'l Fingers after Eating an Italian Beef
Au Man, jús got that sweet and spicy drippy gravy all over your grubby little mitts. Too bad we’re at the height of a global health crisis. Off to the bathroom you go, mask on, wash those hands, sanitize, mask off, and now your food is cold. What is an Italian Beef lover to do? We think the answer is obvious: get yourself vaccinated and slurp on those fingies until they sparkle!The Tables
Food waste has been a big issue during the pandemic. Mountains of french fries spilling over the edges of your plate used to be fair game, but now your favorite restaurant’s tables are a no-fly zone. Polls show the average Chicagoan loses 3-5 french fries per order to unsanitized restaurant tables. Despair no more, members of the clean plate club; now that you're fully vaccinated you can scoop up all those delicious morsels right into your foodhole. Just be sure to salt your table ahead of time!Your Friend's Ice Cream while You're Holding It for Them
Come on, you know you wanted that new Jeni's flavor, even if you played it safe and got Vanilla again. All you really need is just one little taste. They'll never know, and now they won't end up in the hospital, either!The Inside of Your Mask (But on Purpose This Time)
We've all done it at this point. You go to lick your lips, but you accidentally lick the inside of your mask. We know the risk is low--I mean, wouldn't you be sick already just from breathing through it? Nevertheless, it feels wrong, it feels unsanitary and it absolutely is...but you don't have to worry about that because you got vaccinated!!! Stick a lollipop to the inside of your mask and enjoy a discrete treat as soon as you can.Dogs That Lick You First
This past year has been difficult to say the least. A happy little pup greets you on the street and gives your hand a lick...and you have to reach for the sanitizer. That dog must think you’re so rude...but no more!!! You can finally respond to Chicago’s canine citizens in the way that is deemed polite in their culture...and lick 'em right on their cute li’l face.The 2016 Chicago Cubs
This one is somewhat controversial, but due to the "Lick a Legend" city ordinance all residents of Chicago are permitted to lick up to two members of the 2016 Chicago Cubs each year. With a wait-list longer than Alinea's, not even half of Chicago citizens have had the pleasure yet, but Mayor Lightfoot promises everyone will get their licks in once it is deemed safe. With that happy day just around the corner, get your mouthwash ready and bring your vaccination card with you so your favorite player can mark you as redeemed.The Lincoln Park Zoo Animals
If licking all the things in Chicago after a worldwide pandemic isn't risky enough for you, see how close you can get to the lions. They might maul your face off, but you will be 100% COVID free!Your Local Small Businesses
To encourage in-person shopping, small businesses all over the city are allowing customers to reserve items they'd like to buy at a later time by licking them and saying "I licked it now it's mine!" Be mindful that there is a strict 'You lick it you buy it' policy, so please remember that you can't un-lick that Chicago flag pint glass from Transit Tees.People with Vaccines Compatible with Yours (consensually, of course)
Little known 'fact’: If you got Pfizer and your best friend got Pfizer, you can lick each other. Moderna recipients can lick everyone. Oxford-AstraZeneca can be licked by everyone but can't lick anyone. Johnson and Johnson is lickable, but only on the elbow of the arm which received the shot. Anti-vaxxers are completely unlickable and we do not recommend asking.
No matter what you plan to do with your newfound immunity, please remember that just because you can lick something does not always mean you should...so please consult your doctor, whom you can also lick now with their permission.