Chicago PD Rolls Out Bulletproof Crop Tops for Summer

By: Andrew Mason

CHICAGO, IL - As the weather heats up, Chicago Police Department has begun providing officers with a new “crop top” option for protection of their vital organs instead of the bulky, full-sized vests,

"Everyone lost their minds when they saw the postal service in shorts, but wait until they get a load of this," said Chicago Police Chief JP Benderbitten, revealing a crop top bedazzled with the iconic CPD checkerboard.

HE continued, stating that standard issue vests are just a bit heavier than three guinea pigs. You can imagine the toll it takes after an eight-hour shift. “These tops are a godsend,” said Officer Luke Gleason. "We used to jam strawberry popsicles under our vests just to cool off. If you got really lucky it would drip all the way down your legs before it got warm.”

A representative from the Louis Baton clothing company was just as excited over the new offering. Their press release said, "Officers will feel cool, and look cool too! With several designs available, it’s easy to find that perfect fit for their body type as well as their personality. Tops can be long enough to give just a peek of the midriff, or short enough to leave little up to imagination, and they all have space for a color coordinated body cam.”

While the members of the CPD are thrilled with the fashion and function of the new attire, public opinions seem to vary. Kara Bosworth, who commutes from Naperville, felt strongly saying, “I personally don’t want to live in a place where our public servants are prancing around like cheap floozies. What happened to this city’s sense of self-respect? Cover yourselves!”

With the success of this campaign, there have been talks of testing out other heat-beating measures like patrol paddleboats, convertible police cars, and even a “beach day” in which all department employees and personnel trade in their badge and gun for a beer and some sun as they engage in team building exercises and games.

To those who oppose the new Uniforms, Benderbitten had some choice words, "Talk to the hand! Or don't, because you have the right to remain silent."