Local Man Kicked out of Chicago Art Institute for Trying to "Blue Skidoo" into Monet
By Megan Rains
CHICAGO, IL - Despite his best attempts, a local man was kicked out from the Chicago Art Institute on Saturday for trying to “Blue Skidoo” into a Monet.
“I’ve never seen anything like it man,” said Patrick Clakous, the security personnel on shift at the time of the incident. Clakous witnessed the whole event, starting with the man flailing and twisting his 6’2” body back and forth and culminating in a backflip attempt that propelled him headfirst into Monet’s Water Lily Pond.
Upon further investigation, the Machine discovered that local man was Craig Ulmost. Ulmost posts on Facebook the night before paint the picture of a man desperate to “skidoo” from reality. A transcript is posted below:
FACEBOOK: OCT 10 2020 CST 03:00 AM
CRAIG ULMOST:
Any1 feeling like they want 2 get away?? Stuck inside, no car, wifi spotty (thx rcn)... no end in site. Need a trip/paradise NOW
FACEBOOK: OCT 10 2020 CST 03:26 AM
CRAIG ULMOST":
Logging off… any suggestions to relax b4 bed? thinkin blue’s clues… little dude always seems 2 have it figured out
FACEBOOK: OCT 10 2020 CST 03:41 AM
CRAIG ULMOST:
Blue skidoo, can i too??
“Honestly, we have seen this before,” tenured Institute Art Curator Kendall McMok remarked, unphased. “You’d be surprised. It’s been more frequent since the pandemic hit. When we found the guy he had a pretty bad concussion. I pity the poor guy. He just kept saying ‘I wanna be in 1899, not 2020’ and I felt that.”
Despite Craig’s annual membership being revoked, McMok said he’s welcome back. “Maybe he needs it more than anybody else, you know?” she sympathized.
However, Art Institute visitors will have to wait before seeing the Water Lily Pond again. The IFACCA (International Federation of Arts Councils and Culture Agencies), rapidly returned the decently dented work to their headquarters, and Monet’s home in Lion, France.
They could not be reached for an interview, but their president Stéphane Martin emailed The Machine back saying, “Get your shit together, America”.