Chicago Machine’s Non-Exhaustive List of Everybody Who will Get the Vaccine Before You Do

CHICAGO, IL - Since the final weeks of 2020, officials across the country have scrambled to distribute the brand-new vaccines from Moderna and Pfizer. Though, the question has remained, who gets it first? To clear up some confusion, the city announced plans to distribute the vaccine to essential workers and vulnerable populations first, leaving the rest of us wondering where exactly we fall on this mystical magical list of the most important groups to keep alive. Lucky for you, the Machine has the exclusive scoop into the rest of the vaccine prioritization list so you no longer have to wonder if Naperville pet golden retrievers will be getting the vaccine before you do.

Spoiler alert: they probably will.

1.     Every Single Pritzker

2.     George McCaskey, Ted Phillips, Ryan Pace, and Matt Nagy, even after that stupid fucking worthless press conference

3.     JB Pritzker's vest collection

4.     Rahm Emmanuel

5.     That one guy who’s been camping outside of Moderna’s offices since April

6.     Corrupt government officials

7.     Regular government officials

8.     Government Officials who have the best intentions but are corrupt anyway

9.     Akiem Hicks (but only because he'll need 3 shots because of his bear-like stature)

10.   Mayor Lightfoot’s drawbridge operators

11.   FOP Union Leader John Catanzara (if he believes in vaccines)

12.   Police Officers

13.   The Blagojevich family's bodyguards

14.   Blagojevich himself

15.   People in Wisconsin who cheer for the Bears, Hawks, Sox, or Bulls

16.   Naperville Golden Retrievers

17.   Healthcare workers and long term care facilities staff

18.   Long term care facilities residents

19.   Grandmas specifically with “old lady names” (Gertrudes and Berthas will go first)

20.   Grandmas with modern names, like Ashley

21.   People with Game of Thrones Names

22.   Sam Mustipher, the glorious undrafted rookie that anchors the Chicago Bears offensive line

23.   High People who still call it the Sears tower

24.   Bill Murray

25.   His lovely brother Joel

26.   Harry Caray's ghost

27.   Rahm Emmanuel again (he gets his second before most get their first)

28.   People who don’t believe in star signs (Bring Proof)

29.   Sagitariuses, Tauruses

30.   Ford Tauruses

31.   The cast of the musical Chicago

32.   The cast of the movie of the musical Chicago

33.   The band Chicago

34.   Your high school bully

35.   Your high school bully's bully (their dad)

36.   Anybody who’s made an anti-vax Facebook post in the past 9 months

37.   Plumbers named Mario or Luigi

38.   Gamers without Twitch Streams

39.   Gamers with Twitch Streams

40.   All other plumbers

41.   People who put ketchup on hot dogs

42.   Chicago Teacher’s Union members

43.   Grocery Store Employees

44.   Your sorry ass. Hope you can wait til September!