Tyson Takes Corporate Employees to See Sunlight One Last Time Before Slaughterhouse

By Tanya Kornilovich

Loop, Chicago — Tyson announced last week that they’re closing their corporate office and relocating to Arkansas. As a final act of mercy, they are leading all of their Chicago employees to see some sunlight one last time before being sent to the slaughterhouse.

Citing their rich history of humane slaughterhouses, they wish to extend that same courtesy to their employees.

“We here at the corporate headquarters at Tyson really value giving our employees a beautiful exit out of our office. We treat everyone humanely and ethically, from our chickens to our humans. They have full autonomy to enjoy their last moment in the sun and we love that for them,” said Head of HR, Patricia Rooster.

“I’m really looking forward to getting that breath of fresh air right before getting my head chopped off. Figuratively, I’m pretty sure,” said Chuck McCluck, a marketing analyst at Tyson. “Enjoy the sunlight really makes you aware of what life is all about. Those little moments in life, in between slaving away 40-70 hours a week for a corporation so that you can afford rent.”

Chuck has started gathering up his belongings in his box. "It's been a little sad to say goodbye to my cage, I mean cubicle. Yeah. I wonder what the cubicles are going to be like down in Arkansas. Maybe they'll be nicer."

The final outing in the sun in scheduled for a Friday in December. Tyson will not be rescheduling the outing in case of a cloudy day.