CTA Lines Come Together to Form Lumbering, Beer-Addled Voltron

Photo Credit: Joel Sacramento

By Justin Parlette

CHICAGO, IL - Rush hour in Chicago was disrupted Thursday when Chicago’s CTA lines combined to form an ineffectual, beer-soaked Voltron due to a false alarm.

“Around 4:30, Lake Michigan’s kaiju sensor was set off by a school of fish carrying factory waste off to god- knows-where to do god-knows-what. The sensors would have thought this was a monster bent on our destruction,” a CTA spokesperson said.

He continued, “The Voltron would have been completely useless. There’s so much residual liquor, piss, semen, and human shit; the damn thing was drunk, high, and asking the 150 N. Riverside building if it could "borrow $5 for a down-payment on a cheeseburger." Had there been an actual monster attacking the city, it would have tried to hump it.”

The left arm, comprised of purple line cars, detached at 7:15p, crushing several condo buildings and an Italian beef shop.

Later, at 11:15p, as the remaining combined train lines came to the edge of Lake Michigan to find the source of the danger, the yellow line cars fell into the lake, leaving the Gollum armless. Had there been a monster threatening the Windy City, its defender would have been unable to do anything other than challenging it to a race along the lakefront, which it was too high to do anyway.

“I thought Voltron was cool, but not anymore. I guess I’ll check out the Power Rangers,” said Sebastian Saban, 11, of Edgewater.

This marks only the third time in the history of the CTA that the various lines joined together to defend the city. Residents will remember when Chicago’s mass transit lines defeated a mutated snapping turtle in 1992 after it attempted to sink the downtown area by breaching a sea wall. The incident was at first blamed on workers repairing a bridge.

This latest incident could have been worse according to one local transit rider. “Thank god the buses are numbered instead of color-coded. If they fused to create a golem to defend the city from a kaiju, by the time they formed the head, the friggin monster would have made its way to Rogers Park and back to the Loop.”

Mayor Lightfoot could not be reached for comment, but Emperor Zarkon released a statement blaming the failed attack on Prince Lotor, currently running in the Illinois 15th congressional district, on a pro-destruction of Chicago platform.