University of Chicago Physicists Conclude Dark Matter Origin Hypothesis Ineffective as a Pickup Line

By Todd Wells

CHICAGO, IL - In an article to be published in the Journal of Astrophysics, a team of researchers at the University of Chicago's Fermi Institute determined that explanations of unaccounted mass in the universe did nothing to increase the likelihood of casual sex.

The results have sent shockwaves through the particle-physics community. "I was really counting on dark matter to score some action tonight", said Gerald Warren, Chairman of the Physics Department at CalTech. "What am I supposed to use now? 'Hey, Baby, wanna hear about the Higgs Boson?' I mean, we've all peer-reviewed that one enough to know it doesn't work."

David MacPhearson, head of the Deep Space Network at NASA, reluctantly agreed. "At first I thought there must be something wrong with their methodology, but I ran the numbers through the mainframe at CERN, and sure enough, explaining how a substance can have mass, but no electromagnetic field, will not bag you any hot companionship for the evening."

Back in the University of Chicago's physics lab, the mood was solemn. "Dark matter was my golden ticket," moped Jennifer Kinnebec, PhD student in quantum field theory. "I was finally going to show those jerks Meghan and Amber from high school that I could nail a professional basketball player too, just like them. But now…" Ms. Kinnebec then broke into a chorus of "Just Another Lonely Night".

Not all scientists were so gloomy about the results. Andrew Moore, Professor Emeritus of Evolutionary Zoology at Johns Hopkins, drew a different conclusion. "Eat it, physicists," he said during a break in an orgy. "Your discipline sucks. If you studied something useful, like biology, you'd know that elk semen contains pheromones which drive the women nuts. The secret," he added in a whisper, "is to brush your teeth with it."