Cubs Fan Didn't Drive All the Way from Winnetka for This Shit

By: Hirsch Ptyc

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CHICAGO – Expressing frustration over his team’s 10-2 loss to the lowly Mets, Cubs fan Bruce Zimmerman explained to the Chicago Machine that he didn’t drive his BMW all the way down from Winnetka for this shit.

“These are supposed to be the world series champion Chicago Cubs,” Zimmerman said. “I didn’t pull my son out early from school at New Trier and drive the hour from Winnetka to Wrigley just to see the best offense in the league get two runs off Zack Wheeler.”

The Cubs, who are on the most remarkable run of sustained success in franchise history, got destroyed in all facets of the game against a team likely to miss the playoffs, greatly disappointing the many Cubs fans who have stuck with the team through good and bad since 2016. Zimmerman went on to explain that, as someone who regularly drives down from the suburbs in his Audi A6 to sit in $1000 seats located down the first base line, he is entitled to more than this.  

“I’ve got more Cubs merchandise in my 5000 square foot lakeside house than anyone living on Sheridan Road,” said Zimmerman. “So when the Cubs don’t perform, I have a right to get mad. I could’ve been in Wisconsin relaxing in my lake house right now, or in Michigan relaxing in my second lake house. They need to do better or they’ll lose the support of real Chicagoans like me.”