The Machine's Top 5 DIY SSRIs

By: Meghan Ford

We get it! You’re sad, and your insurance company responded to your therapy claim with a ripped sheet of toilet paper reading, “Nice Try.” Here are some helpful Do-It-Yourself tricks to keep the gloomies at bay:

1. Wine and that episode of The Office you’ve seen Eight Thousand Times

Make sure to drink enough wine that you forget all the lines you memorized - along with your inner pain!

2. Someone else canceling on your plans (for once)

Now YOU can lord it over your friends, and you get to treat yourself by rotting on the couch, again! It might be hard to do it yourself, but you can always strike up friendships with flaky people to stack the deck!

3. Mix an infusion of wormwood with powdered root of asphodel

Create that Draught of the Living Dead and sleep through it all, baby. My boy, Sev gets it.

4. Getting the fuck over it and getting a job!

Number 1 Prescribed by Dr. Dads across the country!

5. Club Soda

Seriously, it really does work on everything.