Southpaw Continues Blasting Unused Home Run Fireworks Around the City

By Mitchell Trachtenberg

CHICAGO, IL - You’re not alone if you feel like you’ve been hearing more fireworks than usual these past few months. Southpaw, the booger-based life form that serves as the White Sox mascot, has reportedly been running all over the city, and firing off the team’s unused home run fireworks, in order to drum up excitement for a restarted MLB season. 

“We have warned Southpaw repeatedly that shooting fireworks are dangerous, and disruptive to the whole city,” said an exasperated Mayor Lightfoot. “Besides, who gets excited about baseball at 2:00 a.m.?”

So far, no injuries have been reported, though one passerby noticed a clump of singed green fur on the corner of Cermak and Western. 

“Yep, we sure have a lot of those things. Lost all these games due to covid, but to be honest, we also had a lot of fireworks left over from the 2019 season,” said Guaranteed Rate Field maintenance worker, Carl Fisker. “Really thought Yolmer Sanchez would have a better year.”

We asked Southpaw if he intended to continue the fireworks through the rest of the summer, but he just kicked reporter Alex Peters in the nuts, and waddled away.