Hospitals Defy Restrictions, Continue Offering Indoor Care

By Jesse Tijerina

CHICAGO, IL - Despite Illinois being one month into a tier 3 lockdown, Chicago's hospitals have been defying restrictions by continuing to offer indoor service.

As soon as the guidelines were put in place, hospitals made radical changes to comply, with some even offering offering curbside pickup for dialysis machines and morphine, open-air operating rooms, and drive-thru MRIs. Though, as a result of the onslaught new patients, and dropping temperatures, they began moving patients inside again.

“It’s getting cold out,” said Jake Roberts, an administrator for Rush University Medical Center. “And Jesus, this is a hospital! We can’t operate purely outdoors. It’s a ridiculous demand. We have to make money, and nobody wants ‘outdoor care.’ It’s just not financially viable.”

Patients were also getting fed up with restrictions and outdoor care, longing for a simpler time when they could casually meet friends for a drink in an ER bed or hospital operating theater.

"You can take the boys out of Kuma's, but you can’t take the Kuma's out of the boys. I got indoor burgers from there about a month ago, and I'm doing great!” said current patient Brad Boyle, removing his ventilator to speak to reporters. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I get it, I get it. And I did. I got it. But I made the best of it and kept living my life normally until the symptoms got bad. It’s all politicized. I’ll never stop.”*

At press time, following pressure from the city, Rush, Methodist Hospital, and Northwestern Medical Center began installing closed tents and portable heaters in their parking lots.

"We are fortunate the city considers this indoors," said Roberts.

*Quote edited to omit high wheezing cough.